Onethirtysomething.

God I want to be in the one thirties this week.

I will do anything.

Anything.

I just want that so badly. I haven't been bellow the 140's since I was about 12.

How did I let myself get so fat?

I need to go and see Tom's grave tomorrow. I can't believe it's been over a year. I still miss him so much.

Basically, my friend Tom was 19 when he died. I loved him so much. He was the sweetest guy ever. He died on the 6th of march 2010. In a car accident. I was meant to be going to that party. He offered to drive me home. If I'd had said yes, he might still be alive. I could have told him to slow down, to stop being such a dick.

He swerved on a small country lane into a wooden fence and a ditch. A metal and wooden spike of the fence when in through the side of his head and came out through his hip. Hopefully, he died instantly and without any pain. I'm not a doctor or anything, so how the hell would I know?

My friend A is a firefighter and was called to the scene. He had no idea it would be his best mate he would be trying to cut off the fence that disembowled him.

I feel awful for A.

Such a sweet lad. You can tell it's still with him all the time.

Going to the funeral was horrible. I got to the church and felt numb. I felt so guilty for not being able to cry, when everyone around me was falling apart.

I went into the church with my friends, S and D. we sat down and I still felt nothing. Like it was all a dream.

Then our song came on.

'born slippy' -Underworld.

Then the tears came flooding. Pouring down my cheeks. I just couldn't stop. It was like the pain that I had felt and bottled up inside was all coming out. It physically hurt to sob that much. My insides were aching with the pain.

I was clutching the lead of their family dog, Daisy. She was whimpering with upset. It broke my heart that even the dog was feeling so much hurt over my Tom.

We tried to sing 'amazing grace' for our boy, but the words just wouldn't come out. They were stifled with angry sobs. My fingers ached from squeezing S and D's hands. Their nails were digging into my flesh as his 'girlfriend', L talked about what a wonderful guy my Tom was. Bullshit. She later that night shagged the guy that she was cheating on Tom with right up until he died. It made me so angry to hear her lying about how much 'love she had for him' when his own mother was screaming in pain for her son. The hundreds of people in the church were filled with hatred for that girl. I still hate her so much.

As Tom was carried out of the church to the sounds of Underworld, my heart broke in two. I just couldn't take it anymore. The raw burning in my heart, wanting him back, was too much. I just sat and cried for hours, with D and S by my side, sharing the pain.

We walked outside the church and I thought 'Tom would have hated this'. All the fuss, the religion, the tears. He would have absolutley loathed it. He was all about the good times, the fun in life. He could make the sun shine. I always said that. His smile created this massive beacon of light which would give you hope for anything.

God, I miss him so much.

Rest in Peace, My Tom.

Thomas Williams

Died aged 19

06/03/10

Barroway Drove

he brought the sunshine.